Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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