Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
