My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
