Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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