I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
