Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
