i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
