I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's just so happy...and so naked.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
