Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
