I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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