Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
