I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
