she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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