Welp...herpes.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
