Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
