He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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