I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I faked an abortion last night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
