i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
