people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
