Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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