When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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