I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
