if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There are leaves in my underwear?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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