it glows. i had to have it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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