It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
