I'm so fucking centered right now
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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