I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
