remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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