we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
