dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Are we still banned from the library?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
