Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
