Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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