Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
