It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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