my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
