The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
