If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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