Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think your dad took our porno
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
