Do you still have your period?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
