Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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