Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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