Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
