Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
