Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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