why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
PANTIES FOUND
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