i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want to make out with him forever
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
