pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
