he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
