shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
People in love make me want to vomit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
