I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
