I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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