So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
