I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
