hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
