Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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