life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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