Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
