dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
