just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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