My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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