We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
high people should be assigned attendants
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
