Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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