Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize